I talked with my precious eight year old little cousin today. She told me all about how she’s been doing extra chores to help raise money for people outside the country who don’t have food or anything. Now that she’s finished raising the money she said she’s finished doing chores!
That’s a lot like how people are in life. You do all you can to get where you want to be, at all costs. But once you get there, you won’t use that same ambition and drive to maintain what you’ve worked so hard to achieve.

She also read me a letter that she found from my mother that was written to her. It brought tears to my eyes this morning. She read it as if my mother was exuding from her lips and going through the wireless realm to my heart. I asked my little cousin if she remembered her. Her response so casually is, “Of course I remember her! Hey, I found a dollar!” Kids are so resilient, and casual, and accepting. She understands and accepts that her Aunt Mary has been in heaven for almost four years. She knows that she can speak to her and that she still loves her.

I on the other hand, can become a blubbering pile of mess at even the thought of her. With thanksgiving looming I can’t help but think about what I’m thankful for. But I also can’t help but think about that wonderful, beautiful, woman that made me who I am today. I miss her so much everyday. I just stopped begging God to bring her back and erase her death completely. But it’s still hard for me to talk about her. I tried to erase her from my memories completely, thinking that would make the pain go away. It did for a short time, but the love that a mother has for a daughter, and a daughter has for a mother prevailed. I would give anything to have her here with me. But I know I have to stay strong for the rest of my family.

I remember being in the car with my mom on the way to Shelton State Community College. I said, “Will you be my mom in heaven?” She said, “I don’t know, maybe.” And I said, “I don’t want to go to heaven if you aren’t going to be my mom.” To which she replied, “Well you don’t want the alternative!”
She was a remarkable person, wife, mother, my beset friend. Living without her is a day by day task that I have to try to do my best to live where she would be proud.

Me and God are having a hearty Guffaw!!!

This has been the longest day ever... EVER!!!
And nothing has really shocked me.
I've been let down in several ways by several people, and one DVD player! (Don't buy a DVD from Germany and expect it to play in your American DVD player)
My Yank is slowing things down, and with this day, her words couldn't surprise me.
But for some reason, all i can do is smile.
It's one of those days where when you just keep hearing bad news and after the third thing, it becomes funny because it doesn't seem real.
Sometimes my life seems so scripted. I think that God is up there getting a good chuckle.
And lucky for God.... so am I.

ps. i could really go for a chocolate pie from Jonnie Rays in Tuscaloosa!!!

Procrastinators Unite... Tomorrow Kinda Day!!!

• I'm having a confused about why she/Mr. Lee suddenly hates me kinda day
• I'm having a confused about why my Yank hasn't called me kinda day
• I'm having a "I hate people when they don't like me for no apparent reason" kind of day
• I'm having a that subway flat bread was the best ever kind of day
• I'm having a should've taken the money, but still glad i took the time kind of day
• I'm having a want to no need to get out kind of day
• I'm having a me and my hair are starting to get along kind of day
• I'm having a want a cyber date/ real date kind of day
• I'm having a throw in the towel but keep gettin dirty kinda day
• I'm having a saw the ex, she's keeping the dreads short, saw her next, she's keeping her style bad, she saw me and i looked FABULOUS kind of day :)
• I'm having a ridiculous pretend relationship with an unattainable dream veggie twin kinda day
• I'm having a she would be perfect kinda day
• I'm having a cute precious voice could be perfect too kinda day
• I'm having a that sexy yank voice jonesin for it kinda day.
• I'm havin a shout out to T.I for always making me feel better just a tad bit kinda day.
• I'm having a cats outta the bag and that may be why "Lee" hates me kinda day
• I'm having a it's cool cause i'm gonna listen to Beyonce' "Me, Myself, and I" kinda day
• I'm having a peace out, two fingers, deuces, I know i look cute in my dress and tights, even though i kind of look like i'm 5 kinda day :)

Divine Single Spintsterness!!!!!!!

It's all becoming so clear to me. I couldn't see it before. I had no idea why I was being punished for my past acts. I saw my being single as a stigma. The epitome of rejection. When people hear you're single they question you, 'WHY?" As though, if you're single there must be a reason. Your worth must be less than someone of a more desirable stature.

But with my dad going back and forth into the hospital, I know that is the Divine reason of singledom.

If I was in a relationship now, my mind would be disproportionately somewhere else. When I love someone I love hard and I might love too hard. But being the solo me I can keep all my love focused on my wonderful father. I have my blinders on, although they occasionally slip. But my purpose is him right now. He's so important to me and I don't want to miss any opportunity that I can to make sure he's taken care of. He's the only parent I have, and I'm going to cherish every minute.

I do want love to find me one day though. I've just given up for now.

My new yank friend is so nice, and understanding, and naturally gorgeous. She is so funny about southern music though! But I will admit a lot of the booty shakin crap does sound the same. But It still makes my booty shake nonetheless!!! She also understands what I'm going through. We have a connection.

In my opinion (of course it's MY blog) there is no such thing as a soul mate. There is such thing as falling for the person that gets on your nerves the least! lol.
But I might be Jaded.

The Peanut Festival, Earnest, and ATL Hoe

The peanut festival is going on now in Dothan. I kind of wish I was there! I miss it. Peanuts randomly being thrown as though it were Mardi Gras (but these beads are edible)! We would go to the peanut festival and be in the peanut parade and enjoy all the festivities. Dothan IS the peanut capital of the world. I still remember driving in and seeing that huge sign that has a peanut holding a Pepsi saying, "Dothan's Nuts for Pepsi!"

So Earnest isn't looking so good. He has this look. A look that I've only seen twice before. Once before my mom died. And the second was when my Dad appeared to be on the brink. It's a look that has nothing behind it. It's a look that when you look in their eyes their not looking back at you. It's a look that shows a shell of a person that once was. It's a look where you can see a dried tear stain on their face. It's a look that if you're lucky.... you never have to see, or ever see again.

My Aunt called today though and said Earnest was sitting up and talking! He's 82, but he might have more life in him yet!

My new friend is here! My Yankee friend is here! Well here meaning Atlanta. Every time I think of Atlanta I think of that song, Atl Hoe. I don't think of my friend as being a hoe! lol. She's what I think about when I envision northerners with lots of poise and class. She's very sensual without being trashy and tastless about herself. She's very open to other people's ideas, but will challenge you on them if she feels the need. She doesn't hold back. I like that. I'm shy around new people, but put up a front that I'm a G. She likes that. I'm usually pretty cocky around new folks if i've put a few back. But she wants me to be the real me. The sober me. She wants to know me. I want her to know me. And I want her to eat my vegetarian cooking and tell me it's delicious whether it is or isn't! LOL